we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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