Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
