when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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