Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
