Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
