I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
