That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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