RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
