I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
