The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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