i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
