my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize
