I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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