Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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