I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
