I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Randomize
