did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
