either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
