I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
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