this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
