just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
