4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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