You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
