Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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