I just cut my nipple shaving
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
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