even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
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