Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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