I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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