i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
