Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Brb crying the tears of my youth
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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