When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
