I met the friendliest cop last night
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
