If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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