she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
