Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
