i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
