I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Randomize
