I wish I could teleport
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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