Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
