i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
