We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
