If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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