i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
