The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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