I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
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