The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
