The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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