When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
