This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
