i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
