if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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