My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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